First Encounter [TW]

 

I have anxiety and depression. When I was diagnosed with depression it was a very unpleasant day for me. I wasn't mentally stable and wasn't in touch with reality. This is my story. 

It all started when I had a quarrel with one of my friends at school. I made a rude remark to her about her life and she clapped back. What she said hurt me very much. I thought about it the entire day and night up until the next day. I was in class and just started bursted out crying because I couldn't take it anymore. My best friend at that time took me to the main office and I told them what happened but they didn't understand clearly from all of my sobbing. They finally understood and they called in the friend that said it to me. She said to me that what she said was never meant for me it was for the girl next to me. I barely believed her at that time but what she said kind of calmed me down. But I was never ready for what came next. 

The next couple of days became hard. I felt paranoid that she was listening in on my conversations thinking that I was talking smack about her which I wasn't. As the days went by my happiness deteriorated. I stopped eating because I lost my appetite. I couldn't sleep well and I was crying constantly. I stayed in bed the entire day and never left anywhere not even school. To the point where the school social worker came and helped my family bring me to a hospital. I got the help I needed. I can't say that I enjoyed my stay there because I didn't but it still did help. Even though it helped, right now at this moment I dread ever stepping foot in another hospital ever again I still go to therapy though. But we'll get to that another time. 

I feel like there is this stigma around Mental Health. I remember when I was younger my family use to joke about one of us going to the Mental Health Clinic down the street from my house and guess what I go there now. And now I feel like they walk on eggshells around me. I never knew that I would be in the situation I am in now taking 3 different medications daily just to make sure I stay sane. It is like a whole new life. But it isn't a bad one. I have grown tremendously physically, mentally, and spiritually. I feel like if I never had the illness I have now I would be so different than I am now and less mature or I would see the world much differently.

When I first came to terms with my illness it was hard though. Mainly because I had to engrave in my mind that I am not the same person I am before. Well for me probably not for you. I just didn't socialize the same, laugh the same, or smile at the same things I did before. The things I took for granted in the past I now cherish and make sure I don't give up because they are now what makes me live and smile. For example, I never use to save drawings or pictures just for the memories. I would throw them away not caring what happened to them or the importance behind them. But now in this day and age, I make sure to save all my drawings and pictures because they remind me of when I was my happiest and most relaxed. And looking at them brings back those feelings.

My first encounter was traumatic, but the way I describe it doesn't convey the true feelings of what I want to reveal. I just want to tell you that it's okay if you fell off the horse. Or tried to get back onto the boat but couldn't because there will be a time when you will be strong enough to hold yourself up and keep yourself from falling off again and again. And if you do fall it doesn't mean you are not strong. It means you have been strong for too long and you need rest. So take that time to get rest then get back up on the horse or the boat and ride your way to where you plan on going. Just never lose hope that you will always have a way out because there are many paths to one destination.

My point in writing this is that you can seek help. Don't ever feel like you don't deserve the help. Professionals are here for a reason. Therapists were made for a reason. And if you have bad thoughts about ending your life just know that you don't really want to end your life. You just want to end the pain. And the first step to ending the pain is stepping into your big girl/boy shoes and seeking help. You got this okay! Even if I might not know you I still love you. And I hope you have a wonderful day :)

Coping Skills For You Lovelys :)