My Life Right Now PT3 [TW]

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This is an update on how my life is doing right now. Not gonna lie it's not too bad but it would be nice if some things were different. I started school this week. I really enjoyed my first two days they were pretty chill. But the morning of the second day wasn't the best. I had an argument with my mom about the mental hospital and after the argument, she said that I cause a lot of problems. 

When someone tells me something negative about myself I tend to repeat it to myself and start to believe it. So when she called me a problem that didn't really go well for me. After the conversation, I felt like the entire day was going to suck. But to my surprise, it didn't. Things turned around. 

But I still have an issue happening up in my mind. I pray every day for it to go away but it just doesn't. The issue is that I'm afraid I'm going to end up in the hospital again but not because my mental health is bad right now. It's mainly because that's what happens every year. 

Every year my mental health goes unstable and I end up trying to end my life or I have a huge bipolar episode. And right now knowing that this might happen I'm afraid of what's to come. If you have ever been to a mental hospital I know you understand me and why I never ever want to go back to one. The other reason I don't want to go back is that I feel like my parents will abandon me there. They've done it before when I was in the ER. 

But just know that they're not bad people at all. They don't understand mental illness. Mainly because they are Haitian and were born in Haiti. They lived there for the first half of their lives so I understand that they don't get why I do the things I do. But sometimes I wish they understood so I can have a good support system. It makes me sad knowing that I have only my therapist to talk to about my feelings. But I also have God so I guess that's good. But sometimes it would be nice to have a physical person there to give me a long hug. 

Do you ever feel like there's more to life, like your living a life that could possibly be more fulfilling? Tell me about it down in the comments :) Bye love!

 

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