Have you ever felt so alone even if your in a room full of people?

 Something I feel sometimes is that I have no one but myself. I know I have God but when I don't feel him physically there I start to replace his absence with the presence of pain. I hide behind work, my business, my smile and my ambition. When truly I am just obsessed with staying busy just to not feel. Not feel the pain of life, the stress of ambition and the tears of fear roll down my cheek as I cry in silence. 

The reason I cry in silence is because if I don't i'll be heard...

I know that makes no sense but it does to me and carries a lot of weight. If I'm heard crying it will shift the entire atmosphere of where I live. I am seen as the piece of glass you carefully put on the shelf at the lowest area because if it falls it will cause issues you will have to clean. 

My issues are my mental struggles. 

They've not only been my own issues but my families also in the sense that when I struggle it creates problems. I am someone that doesn't like to be a burden and cause any issues or bring inconvenience. So I hide my issues...see?

Now the whole pictures coming together. 

This is mainly what causes the loneliness. Being alone in my battle with mental pain. It's my fault though because I don't want to share this battle with anyone. It's mine to bare. Something I haven't fully dealt with is this memory of when I was in the hospital after an attempt. I was overhearing a conversation the nurses were having as a usual spectator would and I heard them call me crazy then they looked over at my hospital bed and I just stared at them. Not with anger...

but fear.

The fear that "crazy" is what would follow me for the rest of my life because of my struggles. Which it kind of does because my own mother periodically says "Oh I know the reason you do that, it's cuz your mentally ill." 

I don't like to be labeled as mentally ill. However it seems I have a name tag on my back and my forehead. It seems as if wherever I go it follows me.