E Writes

 I feel so odd. It's hard to make friends because I see through people. In the sense that I can see their deeper inner most intentions. And once I get the sign that they don't want me in their vicinity I dip because I don't want to be anywhere where I am not welcome.  It bothers me though. I feel more lonely because of this. I am so tired of being lonely and so tired of being tired. I do the same thing every day. Wake up just to sleep again and then wake up again and question my life and existence. I keep forgetting what I am here for. In the beginning I felt like I was made to help others but how can I help others when I feel helpless.  I feel like going to the psych ward only helped restore my clarity but I don't want my head to be clear because that means I'll have time to think about my life which I don't want to do. What is life? I ask myself so consistently. I'm not as busy as I use to be anymore but that's a good thing right?  No.  It's not.  ...

 I don't understand how someone can use the words "I love you" but not mean it. 

 Something I feel sometimes is that I have no one but myself. I know I have God but when I don't feel him physically there I start to replace his absence with the presence of pain. I hide behind work, my business, my smile and my ambition. When truly I am just obsessed with staying busy just to not feel. Not feel the pain of life, the stress of ambition and the tears of fear roll down my cheek as I cry in silence.  The reason I cry in silence is because if I don't i'll be heard... I know that makes no sense but it does to me and carries a lot of weight. If I'm heard crying it will shift the entire atmosphere of where I live. I am seen as the piece of glass you carefully put on the shelf at the lowest area because if it falls it will cause issues you will have to clean.  My issues are my mental struggles.  They've not only been my own issues but my families also in the sense that when I struggle it creates problems. I am someone that doesn't like to be a burden a...

 Hey,  I haven't been active on here as much cuz it's literally been 3 years but life has been interesting lately. I've been struggling with stomach issues for the past 3 months now going onto the 4th month only to be told that it is a misdiagnosis. Something changed my view on this though... During this period of my stomach issues I kept throwing up, feeling light headed and dehydrated to the point where my blood pressure was extremely low. Still no diagnosis, but I think I diagnosed myself in a way.  My Primary Care Physician had an appointment with me and said he feels that this could be linked to my depression and anxiety. He continued on to say that stress can have an effect on your stomach. Before the beginning of the appointment one of his associates had asked me if I was feeling suicidal at all or had any negative thoughts to which I replied with, no.  I lied. I have been battling with negative thoughts for the past 2 months and I feel like I'm stuck in a box...